University of Virginia Library

Part of this Summers Travels.

Or News From Hell, Hull, and Hallifax, from York, Linne, Leicester, Chester, Coventry, Lichfield, Nottingham, and the Divells Ars a Peake.

Passages and Entertainments from London to Leicester, with some observations of the said Town and Shire.

Upon Saint Swithins day, I noted well,
The wind was calme, nor any rain then fell,
Which faire day (as old sawes saith) doth portend,
That heav'n to earth, will plenteous harvest send,
The morrow being Julies sixteenth day,
In my progression I began my way.
I need not to relate the towns that lie
Just in my way, (as I road through or by)
Onely at Mims, a Cockney boasting bragger
In mirth, did aske the women for Belswagger,
But strait the females, like the Furies fell,
Did curse, scold, raile, cast dirt, and stones pell mell,
But we betook us nimbly to our spurs,
And left them calling us rogues, Knaves, and curs,
With other pretty names, which I discern'd
They from their old fore-mothers well had learn'd.
The reason why they are with rage inflam'd,
When as they heare Belswagger nam'd.
Is (as report doth say) there dwelt a Squire,
Who was so full of love, (or lusts desire)
That with his faire tongue, Hippocritick-hood,
(By slanderous people 'twas misunderstood)
The women were so fruitfull, that they were
All got with childe, in compasse of one yeare,
And that Squires name, they say, Belswagger was,
And from that tale, the lying jeere doth passe,
Wherefore the women there will chide and swagger,
If any man do aske them for Belswagger.
Thence past I on my journey unto Hockly,
Where as I saw a Drunkard like a block lye,
There I alighted at the sanguine Lion,
Where I had meat, drink, and a bed to lie on,
The next day I road stately to Northampton,
And all the way my horse most proudly stampt on,
On Thursday, trotting, galloping and ambling,
To Leister, I proceeded in my rambling:
There, at the blue Boare I was welcome than
Unto my brother Miles, a downright man,
Plain dealing, free from flattery, fraud or feare,
Who hath liv'd long with reputation there,
He's old and honest, valiant, courteous, free:
(I write not this for making much of me)
But they that doubts on't, let them go and try
And if he be a changling, say I lie.
That house, King Richard lodg'd in, his last night,
Before he did the field of Bosworth fight,
And there's a Room, a King to entertain,
The like is not in Leister Town again,
Th'Assizes then were there, some causes tride,
And Law did there the corps and souls divide,
Of two offenders, one had with a Knife
Stabd his contracted love, and reav'd her life,
'Tother, a wench that had stolne some poor rayment,
And fir'd the house, deserv'd the Hangmans payment.
King Leir a Temple did to Janus reare
And plac'd a Flamine in't, there doth appeare
The arched Ovens foure yards thick at least,
Wherein they Heathen Sacrifices drest;
Like as the Jews in their Idolatry,
Offered their sonnes and daughters impiously,
To Moloch, Nisroch, Ashtaroth, and Ball:
And to those devillish gods adore and fall,
So people here, when warre or peace they sought;
They offrings unto Janus Temple brought;
This was eight hundred forty and foure yeare
Before our Saviours birth, built by King Leire,
Long after Eltreldred (the Mercian King)
A happy and a Christian change did bring,
The Temple raz'd the Flamine he defac'd,
And there a Christian Bishops Sea he plac'd,
Which last but few yeares, for then this Land
Was seven-fold yoaked, beneath 7 Kings command,
And those Kings still were in perpetuall wars
That England was quite spoyl'd with endlesse jars,
And in those Garboyles Leister had her share,
Spoy'ld, rifled, ransack'd, rob'd, and left most bare,
Till Edelfred, with great magnificence,
Repair'd and wall'd it strongly for defence.
Then did it flourish long in wealth and state,
Till second Henry it did ruinate:
He in out-ragious fury fir'd the Town,
Diswall'd it quite, and cast the Castle down,
So nothing but some ruines doth appeare,
Whereby men may perceive that such things were.
Thus Leister fell, from state superlative,
Her fifty churches all consum'd to five.
Yet it is faire and spacious at this day,
And East, West, North and South 'tis every way
Above a mile in length, so that no doubt,
The Town's in circuit six large miles about.
Henry first Duke of Lancaster in war,
In peace, or bounty, a bright blazing Star
For buildings in this City is renown'd,
Which as time rais'd, time did again confound.
Yet one large fabrick there doth still abide,
Whereby the good Dukes name is dignifide.
And that's an Hospitall or Bead-house, where
One hundred and ten men are harbour'd there,
From perishing through want, still to defend
Those aged men untill the world shall end.
Twice every day a Chaplain doth repair
To them; and unto God sends prayse and prayer,
And Nurses are allow'd to dresse their meat,
To make their beds, to wash, and keep them neat:
For which they thankefull be to God alone
Who rais'd such means to ease the poor mans mone.
Good Henry Earle of Huntingdon (renown'd)
A free schoole did erect there, from the ground,
With means (though meane) sor mayntenance endow'd
Two Vshers, and one Schoolmaster allow'd,
They teach young lads, such Rules as do belong,
To reade the English and the Latine tongue,
And when their knowledge is with hope discernd,
They in the Greek may learn, and be more learn'd.

Newes from Hell, with a short description of the Hell at Westminster.

Not from that Hell where souls tormented lye
In endlesse Death, and yet shall never die,
Where gnashing cold, commixt with flames still burning,
Where's entrance free, but never back returning:
Where nought but horrour, fiends, and torments dwell.
I bring no news from that accursed Hell;
Yet mine own merits are of such low price,
To barre me from Celestiall Paradise,
And sinke me in that horrid Lake infernall,
But that my hope and faith is fixt supernall.
The Hell I write of is well known to be
A place of pleasure, and for all men free,
Where wretched Ghosts are not in torments stayd,
For all the pains upon the purse is laid.
To finde this Hell you need not travell farre,
'Tis understood the high Exchequer Barre
At Westminster, and those who thither venter,
Do not give Cerberus a sop to enter,
For Charons fury, you need never feare it,
(Although ten thousand do land somewhat neer it)
Within this Hell is good content and quiet,
Good entertainment, various sorts of diet,
Tables a score at once, in sundry places,
Where hungry mouthes fall to, and say short Graces,
And then (in some sort) I may parallell
This earthly Hell, with the infernall Hell.
Hot sweltring vapours, Pots, and Cauldrons boyling.
Great vehement fires, with roasting, stewing, broyling;
The Cooks & Scullions, all be smear'd and smoak'd,
And in their Masters Grease well stew'd & soak'd,
And had the Devill a stomack unto it,
The Cook himselfe is not the rawest bit,
Like as th'infernall Hell doth entertain
All commers, so this Hell doth not refrain
To give free welcome unto every one
If money fayle not, there's excepted None.
This Hell is govern'd by a worthy Duke,
That Pluto like, his under fiends rebuke,
There the tormenting Tapster is control'd,
If courteously he Nick not (as he should)
He must attend at every knock and rap,
His reverend Jugge deckt with a frothy cap,
He fils and empts, and empts and fils again
Like Sisyphus, he toyles, but not so vain,
Like Danaus daughters, taking up, and spilling,
He's always emptying, and he's never filling.
Thither the Counsellour for comfort comes
To rince his toyling tongue, and wash his gums.
The Client having Tityus empty maw
(His guts tormented with the Vulture Law)
He comming to this Hell may finde reliefe,
Of comfortable Plumbroath, and Roast Biefe;
There, for your solace you may feed upon
Whole Seas of Pottage, hot as Phlegeton,
And midst those Seas, by art, the Cooks hath laid
Small Iles of Mutton, which you may invade
With stomack, knife and spoon, or tooth and naile,
With these, the victory you cannot faile.
Therefore this earthly Hell is easier farre,
Then where the miserable damned are,
There's no redemption from that black Abisse,
And here regresse, as well as egresse is,
Therefore they falsly do mistake the story,
To call this Hell, which is but Purgatory,
For here's no Thraldome, from this place you may
Get present freedome, if the shot you pay.

Here followeth three Satyricall Lashes or Jerks, given with the Pen of the Authour, at or upon the Devil's Ars a Peak.

Pens , are most dangerous Tools, more sharp by ods
Then Swords, and cut more keene then Whips or Rods,
Therefore (most high and mighty Duke of Dis)
Commander where the Lake Avernus is,
Great Lord of Limbo, Styx, and Phlegeton,
Of Tartarus, Gehenna, Acheron,
Most potent Monarch of black Erebus,
Prince of the Triple-headed Cerberus,
Sole Emperour of Darknesse, and dark works,
Master of Hereticks, Infidels and Turks,
Arch-flammin of hot Tophets smouldring flames,
King of Cocytus, and th'infernall streams,
Earle of all Errors, and chief Dominator
Of all sins done, by Earth, Ayre, Land, or Water,
Viscount, and Baron of large Barathrum,
Since I have lived to come so neare your Bum,
As is your wicked worships Ars a Peake,
Though some men think my Muse is all too weake;
I with my Pen doe meane to yerke and ferke ye,
And (as I promis'd) with three jerkes will jerke ye.
I know that many fooles will jeere and frumpe,
That I durst come so neare the Divells Rumpe,
And lash with my poore penne Satyricall,
This great Don Diego Diabolicall:
But I would have him and his friends to know,
I jeere him not, for all his Bug-bare show:
'Tis knowne that he, and all that him attend,
To any Poet never was a friend:
And therefore now I daring him oppose,
And jerke his hellish Majesty in Prose.